Posted in Home Repair, humor, Quality

Two Cheap Screws


My husband and I wanted to do a bit of sprucing up on the entry to our house.

For a couple of months now, my husband has been saying that our front door needs a new coat of paint.  To do a translation of that comment another individual would say, “My dear wife, why don’t you paint the front door? I will pick out the color and comment on the spots that you miss.  I will also apply one or maybe two swipes of paint, so that I can say I helped.”

The second issue that we had is that there is no doorbell or knocker on the door.  So unless a visitor pounds quite loudly, we don’t hear them.  I suspect some of the problem may be that our hearing is not what it used to be due to too much rock and roll and noise pollution in our growing up years.

I finally break down and say, “let’s do it.”  We drive off to the local hardware store and procure a quart of paint.  Now the door is a forest green, but the husband thinks we should change that.  We agree on a deep maroon/red.  The paint and primer are all in one.  I have brushes, rollers and tape, so we are good to go.  We also choose and order a fine doorknocker from Amazon.  They have a nice selection and we generally have good luck with both delivery and quality of product from them.  The knocker comes in the mail.  It is lovely; a brass beauty and best of all installation looks easy only two screws to put in.

The painting day arrives.  The weather is perfect; the paint is thick and goes on nicely.  A second coat is needed because of the color change, but no real problems.  Hubby does his critique and two swipes of the brush and we are done.  We allow the door to dry overnight.

Day two, I prep for the quick installation of the knocker.  (Did I mention there are only two screws to put in?)  I pull out my handy drill.  My husband generally doesn’t use power tools.  His statement is “I don’t do power tools and the insurance company continues to cover me.”  I line up the doorknocker, mark the two spots for screw placement and drill my pilot holes.  I have the electric screwdriver at hand ready to install.

How hard could it be?

You know the little slots that your flat head screwdriver goes in to turn the screw…..THEY ARE ONLY A MICROMETER DEEP.  I can’t get a bit to stay in the slot and not strip the screws.  I run to the garage to get another bit.  The knocker itself is also blocking the screw-holes, so I can’t get the driver to turn.  Husband wanders over attracted by his wife ranting at the cheap screws and using salty language.  He suggests disassembling the knocker to be able to angle the screws.  This is a brilliant idea.  It might have actually worked if the screw slots were deep enough.  We get a jeweler’s piece to try and turn the screws…not enough torque.  At this point I am thinking replace the screws.  But, they are visible and brass.  Replacing the screws would require a 25 mile round trip to the hardware store.  I soldier on and finally get the screws in.  What should have taken 5 minutes, took about 45 minutes.

Two cheap screws = one cranky woman.

P.S.  The door looks beautiful, but now the trim along side it looks a little dinked.  Husband says, “we” should paint that next.